30 June 2011

Sorry for the Lack of Posts Lately Guys (Redux)

I for one happen to love all them blogs that (for all in tents, and porpoises) are devoid of interesting let alone original content if not entirely dormant, save for a quarterly post apologizing for the infrequency of the idiotic posts. In a stirring tribute to the memory of keeping alive this sacred tradition, here's the Second Annual Apology for Not Posting More.

Sorry for the lack of posts lately guys! I've been so busy it is hard to fathom. On my way from Chicago to Abu Dhabi later this week, I was commissioned by some rich oil dudes to carve Bruce Springsteen's visage into some cliffs. It's a challenging project but I am excited for the opportunity. They're even putting me up in a hotel room for free and you should see it, it's completely furnished, I mean it's got a bed and everything.

Right now at this moment I'm flying a Cargoliner full of kelp samples from Sandusky to The Hague, the autopilot is on and seems to have things under control so let's see if I can't collect my thoughts and throw something together here before it's too late.

Mainly I've just been unimaginatively busy, my camera broke, the chickens got out again, I've been working two jobs and putting the finishing touches on my thesis, I have six kids four of whom've been sick all over everywhere, plus it's the busy season for the vole migration and I need to lay in enough to make it through the winter harvest, I've got a crink in my neck and my eyes are watering over more than usual, heck I could go on and on and on and on and on with the excuses but you don't care and neither do I, believe you me, so let's just get on with the new post for the love of the sake of peter h christ the third.

Last week it was elves again, elves this and elves that, frankly I'm a little sick of the whole business but if that's what it takes to operate a used furniture warehouse in this tough economic climate, then I am all for higher taxes for the rich if it will help fund a society-wide initiative to get rid of these infernal elves once and for all.

Oh and I've been depressed ever since my relationship ended and trees went on strike, I still can't believe that something I knew and trusted for so many years could turn around and do me like that. I thought blogging about it might help but now I'm convinced it won't. How could it?

Here's a thought: since oil takes so long to form from fossilized life forms, we had better get started yesterday burying as much organic matter as we can muster and as deeply as possible. Maybe we can deposit it in already emptied wells so that when it turns to oil the extraction equipment will be right there on site and ready to go. We cannot afford any more environmental catastrophes, that is fo shizzle.

Oh shit I kinda gotta go. Sorry the post is not longer but I'm pretty busy right now, we're plummeting into the sea and it looks like this may be the end for me as well as everyone on board, so in case some of them don't have access to blogging software and/or the inclination to update their blogs as we rapidly approach certain death, on their behalves I'd just like to take a few minutes here to elaborate on some thoughts that came to me after a lunch I had with my aunt the other day in Kiev -- oh christ I really should go here. I promise to post another update soon if I survive, if not then RIP to me and my blog, that's it, lights out.

The first annual apology for not posting more can be found

24 June 2011

Legalize It

The time has come to legalize it.

No more fuzzy hand-wringing over the presumed tragic side effects.

Legalize it now.

The evils of prohibition far outweigh the evils of rampant abuse, even if such rampant abuse occasionally results in the destruction of families or hampers the spread of The Founder’s Message.

The tax revenue generated would be more than sufficient to cover the costs of cleaning up the inevitable messes (or, in the parlance of our times, negative externalities).

Other things are already legal which are far more harmful (e.g., frozen cheese, furniture polish, computer software, dentistry).

People have a god-given right to it, they are going to find some way to get it anyway, so why drive the whole thing underground?

Anything done in the privacy of one’s own boudoir that doesn’t wake the neighbors or cause long-term environmental damage should be legal.

Throwing these people into the penal system for their odd predilections is ruining too many young lives, and for what?

All of which is to say: Let it be resolved, that if two consenting adult humans want to double-team a panda, and the panda seems to be having a reasonably good time, why should that be against the law?

The answer, clearly, is that it should not. Be illegal, that is.

Legalize it. Now.

11 June 2011

About Blog

Many have inquired as to the precise nature of blog. Blog is difficult of description, and will resist arrest by running up a tree if you let it. Blog may perhaps best be described in terms of what it is and what it (most definitely) is not.

Things Blog Is.
Silly. Silliness is next to Godliness, and since God don't exist, Silly is all we've got. In most if not all cases, things make no sense. So why should blog?
Mine. It's not yours or anybody else's. Cogito ergo (and in) sum, (therefore) (I think) (I am) blog's blogger, the blogowner slash blogmaster, blogger of blog if you will.
Expensive. Astronomically so. The infrastructure and piping for blog cost over $3000 a minute to maintain, not to mention back office overhead and meeting donuts. Please Give Generously.
Good for the environment. Blog leaves a pleasing aftertaste and emits a subtle but unmistakable odor that eighty-four percent of the focus group rates favorably, every time.
A spy novel. See if you can follow the twists and turns in blog's rollicking plot, and solve the mystery before Inspector Snodgrass gets to the bottom of things.
Four boulders improbably stacked in an alpine meadow, the first call of the jackdaw at daybreak, the sound of cheese whizzing past your ear, a big mac with some fresh watercress thrown on there and just a squeeze of lemon.
Meant to be read aloud to your friends and enemies, to be shared during fireside conversations or discussed in passing with strangers on the subway, to be whispered into a loved one's ear preawakening. Though it is possible to enjoy blog without doing any of these things, it does mean you're not doing it right.
Comprehensive. All is contained in blog.

There are many other things which blog is, but these will suffice for now.

Blog Is Not
Furnace. Blog is not a furnace and burns neither diesel fuel nor titanium dioxide. Do not attempt to heat your home or office using blog .
Yours. It's not yours, it's mine. Now give it back.
Investment Advice. Blog is not a deeply insightful look at financial markets (such as they are). Just remember that you can never go wrong by investing in yourself.
FBI Field Manual. Blog will not help you deal with a hostage incident or teach you how to extract information from a terrorist in the super-exciting ticking-time-bomb scenario.
The skin on your true love's inner thigh. Please do not apply oil to, or lovingly stroke, blog.
Journal. The reader does not learn anything specific or of consequence about blogger or acquaintances of blogger from consuming blog.

There are many other things which blog is not, but these will do for now.