06 May 2011

Spray-on Foam Ham

Cooking Show, Episode 7: Spray-on Foam Ham with verdigris-encrusted baby shallots in a plutonium gravy, oh and country vegetables infused with slimy vermicelli on a bed of sopped oats. And ... action!

Greetings fellow frying-panomaniacs, get down your crockpots and wax those spatulas, today we're gonna do another spray-on foam ham, for those of you who bunked it up last week we'll give you another go at it, and let's dive right in. Everything's already chopped and ready over here so let's take a look at our ingredients:

  • 1 pound of mustard-based andalusian sausage marmalade (if you can't find marmalade pomenade will do, so long as it's mustard-based)
  • 1 medium onion, chopped in the Finnish style and then meticulously reassembled with modeling glue, lightly toasted on one side and run through a food processor, pureed and whipped into a petulant frenzy
  • 1 crumpled up paper bag, brushed lightly with olive oil and left on the back porch for 2 days
  • 6 large butter beans, peeled and halved
  • Several heaping handfuls of finest quality saffron (for garnish)
  • 1/4 cup essence of oregano (must be pure essence, i.e. contain 0% physical oregano)
  • Foam ham (2 pounds per person, sprayable)
  • Pinch of salt
First let's butter up a greased baking dish, set it firmly on top of the crumpled up paper bag and coat with bread crumbs, then set that aside to cool, preferably somewhere well-ventilated and unfamiliar to cockroaches.

Now in your main pot toss half of your butter beans together with the essence of oregano, just a smidgin of the whale blubber, dip it in your gutbucket like that, and as that's sizzling away add your onion and the andalusian marmalade, being careful not to firmly press your hand palm-down onto the frying pan surface. Rinse carefully and pat dry.

Using your modern stove, heat the pureed ham with 1/2 cup of bubble bath and simmer for 20 minutes a side, until it's nice and foamy in the middle and just ever so slightly chartreuse on both ends. Fold the ends over, add your bay leaf, and stir clockwise with the left hand for five minutes and then counterclockwise with the right for another five (don't ask, it's part of your training). You should now have a nice mess of smooth, richly balanced foam ham.

Next we apply the foam ham generously to our bone base. Go ahead and spray it on liberally, it should be light and foamy and clinging to the bone, there we go, just like that, mmm and that's gonna be absolutely delicious, nothing like fresh-sprayed-on foam ham right off the bone.

All right, let's have a look at our side dish over here, this is our clammy endives in a pinkish aubergine sauce, and that looks just absolutely ... well words fail me, let's just plate that, sprig of mayo and a big smile, pretend it doesn't smell like the inside of a rotting sea beast.

While your guests are enjoying all that delicious foam ham let's get to work on dessert. We've got some Ben and Jerry's over here, this is Bleu Cheese Olive Explosion, and we're gonna add just a splash of this ridiculously hard to find liqueur and some of this chocolate roumalade I spent two days making, a little bit of fresh mint right from Madonna's garden, and what could be better?

Now it's time to do the dishes so I wanna show you a little trick here that anyone can do. First put a little dishwashing soap in one of your pans and add some hot water, let that soak for a bit, then apply your sponge or scrubbing brush to remove the gunk, rinse it off and set it in the dishrack to dry, then do the same thing for the nine hundred other bowls and utensils we've soiled here today.

OK that's all the time we have for this week, hope you haven't bunked it up again but if you did, best give up, it's not good for you to come within three feet of a foam ham more than once a year. Next week I'll be making my famous ultra-mini-tacos, they're super tiny, soooo cute, and we've got special equipment on loan from a semiconductor foundry so we can put a nice little nano-dollop of sour cream next to every one.

Good night, happy pigging out, and don't forget to hug your oven for me.


  1. This post, by the way, is dedicated to my good buddy Bob, who checked out on us earlier this year. The title came out of nowhere as I was thinking about him, and I believe he may have found it amusing.

  2. I managed everything but glueing the onion back together... how did you do that. Still delicious though!

  3. Apologies for the delay Mike, I've been in the pantry reracking my spices. It is tricky and requires patience, and as you discovered, this step may in fact be skipped, or you can consider buying some of the new genetically engineered self-reassembling onions.


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