09 April 2011

Me for Dictator

Okay then, if we didn't know it by now this latest business just confirms it, our government is completely dysfunctional and we are coming to a crisis to which the only solution will be the institution of a dictatorship with all power concentrated in one office, one person. I would like to present myself as a candidate for head autocrat, by introducing a few of the steps I will take within my first 45 days of assuming office (weather permitting).

First, we're running out of oil, which could leave us completely [deleted], so the whole thing of flying all over the place all the time and then back across the country the next day is just too crazy, we'll be dialing that way back, right away. The number of flights from all airports will be reduced by a quarter in each of the next three years, and then capped at 25% of current levels for the next five years or so, then we'll take another look. Now I don't want to stop everyone from visiting their granny once in a while, but from now on one long distance flight a year is going to have to be enough. Each citizen will receive one personal exemption allowing for a limited number of flight miles per annum. To fly more than the allotment one may either purchase the allowance of a fellow citizen or pay a crazy tax, both of which will serve to enrich (if not enoble) the common man. Similarly, driving: limits are necessary but for the time being you will still be allowed to purchase gasoline in reasonable quantities once per month; using anything beyond your quota will mean paying others who are willing to make do with less for the privilege of consuming our last dwindling supplies of fossil fuels.

We are going to have to get used to not using gasoline for transport any more, this is going to hurt quite a bit but as your dictator it will be my responsibility to ensure the smoothest possible transition for the greatest number of the most deserving among you. Starting now and for the next several years, all engines smaller than a certain size shall be forbidden from running on gasoline. Leaf blowers, lawn mowers, chain saws, mopeds, golf carts, remote control rocket ships and so forth shall be required to run on batteries charged from renewable energy sources. If you wanna run wild on a snowmobile or ATV, first you're gonna have to charge that sucker up from sustainably harvested wind, solar, hydro, geothermal, etc. This will accelerate the learning curve and through simple scale-up of the best solutions to larger engines we will move completely off gasoline powered transport in the next 15 to 20 years. I have taken the liberty of drawing up more ambitious plans for large-scale sustainable transportation infrastructure with convenient service and great food, but let's leave that for another day.

And the bank thing, I mean come on, under my authority all the big banks will be quickly broken up into smaller community banks, credit unions, and drive thru soda fountains offering limited banking services and root beer floats. Reserve requirements shall be raised, bonuses curtailed (and in some cases taxed retroactively at 145%), perverse incentives eliminated, and predatory lenders thrown to the (loan)sharks.

Frivolous lawsuits will come before me and the panel and if judged overly or too frivolous, the bringer of the suit may be publicly flogged and then repeatedly thrown in the ocean, head first. If it happens a second time, death will come swiftly and without mercy. Frivolous lawsuits shall include attempts to get rich without work, to extract compensation from blameless others for one's own personal failings or plain bad luck, to bully a settlement from those too poor or otherwise unable to defend themselves, and so on. I'll know it when I see it, and I'll put a stop to it, I promise you that.

Speaking of deserving, a lot of people deserve better, while others have way more than they deserve. This hardly seems fair, and therefore shall not stand. I think we'll do some sort of assessment examining 'how you got your wealth', and if it doesn't sit right with me and the panel, some citizens may face a customized personalized tax plan (if not outright confiscation). Don't worry now, I'm only talking about the fabulously wealthy; if you've been working hard and saving your pennies, investing wisely and giving charitably, I promise you this, I will not raise your taxes and I will lower them where I can. But woe unto thee, denuder of hillsides and seller of the earth's bounty, bundler of incomprehensible securities and amasser of riches off the suffering of others: I may leave you a trailer home and a monthly allowance, but most of that mammon is going back to the people, in the form of better schools, parks, and public transportation.

It is important to me that all my people be happy, but unfortunately I will not have enough time to spend with each of you individually. Therefore you will hang my portrait in your entrance hall and bow down before my benevolent gaze twice daily, muttering the following benediction (but don't you dare look up and meet my eyes as you say it):
The leader is acting in my best interest and I thank him with all my heart, I am blessed to be a servant of the leader and his awesome policy prescriptions, and I pledge to devote my full energies to assuring their implementation, and as time allows, to baking cookies for the leader.
There will be suffering, but in many ways it will be a happier time. Please vote for me to be your absolute monarch. I will never betray your trust, and I won't try and leave the job for my kid, honest. Thank you.

04 April 2011

Number Verbed in Word String

Rambling Subtitle With Extraneous Verbiage too Lon

Oh and Cancer Cured

Some number of objects were subjected to some unspecified action of vaguely silly import. Um, in Khartoum last night. Fisticuffs on the scene were reprimanded, with key government witnesses wrapped up in cellophane and no contact with the doctors as of press time. Unsaid action is not expected to continue as sexy dolphins eat gruel, verbalizing the Marauders and calling it off ketchup until the final fricassee.

Oh yeah and in an unrelated development, cancer was cured yesterday as scientists working at the National Science Institute of Sciences discovered something that only kills the cancer and doesn't affect anything else, works instantly for everybody and no harmful side effects. So this is like a wonderful thing, another big check off the ol' to-do list for humanity, no more of this cancer crap, you just pop this little pill -- they're calling it 'Cancer-Be-Gone' -- and boom! Yer cured!

This is Derrick the Space Puppet, with the final fake news story, in Queensbridge.