01 January 2011

What Time Is It?

At this important time of the year, it is time that we ask ourselves, What time is it? The following are among the sixteen acceptable answers to this deceptively simple question.

It's 6:42 and sunny, the traffic is good and there's some leftover paella in the fridge if you're hungry.

It is time to shrink wrap the size of government, and either privatize or eliminate many government services such as magical treehouses, subsidized banks, and roving navies.

Speaking of which, it is high time for us to end this war. It has cost enough in blood and treasure. The loss of one more life, although difficult to value precisely, is not worth the marginal benefit of killing the poor guy who will have to die if this pointless war is to continue taking human lives, for one more minute of one more day. This war must be ended today. No not just today but now, right now this second, hurry up and end this damn war already so we can watch the game in peace.

It is time now to do the things we cannot do, to achieve the unachievable, to expect the unexpected and to befuddle the unbeknownst, to set out on the path that we one day hope our children will inherit the keys to the gate to, and bravely muddle our way forward down the long and winding road, into the future that is racing toward us with each passing second, bringing new challenges but also opportunities, make no mistake, there will be hardtack, but there will also be fried foods my friends, there will also be fried foods. Now is the time for heroism and saviors, for the laughter of sycophants and the grumbling of the boneless, this is the precise moment when we must employ the loftiest possible rhetoric, soaring ever higher than an eagle's wings, skimming the mountaintops on which the castles of the palaces of freedom and justice are built, on which equality yearns for an open sea, an endless rolling prarie of vegetable gardens and mixed use housing with parks for the children, world-class entertainment and shopping easily accessible by modern public transportation, until the time comes when we as a people, as a nation and a united continent, on behalf of all the peoples of the world and all the carbon-based life forms on our planet and possibly in all the universe, can say enough, enough, this has gone on long enough.

Now that you mention it, it's time for me to sit back, kick my feet up and open up a nice bottle of cheese.

Ah, for those who insist on living in the present perhaps what time is it may seem an important question, but for those of us obsessed with understanding the past so as to project the future, the more interesting questions are what time was it and what time will it be, later?

We have become dangerously dependent on a continuous stream of information. It is time that we as a people start to turn off our tvs, our cell phones and our smart pads, disconnect from our internet, turn off the home phone if you have one and unplug your radios, drive out of town a ways and enter a cave somewhere, or swim to the bottom of a lake, blow out all the candles, and seal our eyes, noses and ears over with wax, so that we can filter out all unnecessary stimuli and really have a chance to get a clear vision of who we are as a people, what we value in life, what kind of world we want to build, where we should build this new world and how can we pass it on to our children without paying the estate tax.

It's time to publish this nonsense right quick right now, before someone else steals the idea and uses it to make millions of dollars that could have been mine, mine, all mine I tell ya.

There are several other (known) acceptable answers to the question 'What time is it, bro?' See if you can give two of them, in the Comment box below.

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