24 January 2011

The Two Year Anniversary in Office of The Historic First Gangly President

In 2008 in a major historic first, the American people (whatever that means) put aside their age-old subconscious prejudices and elected a gangly man to the office of President of the United States. I am proud to be the first president who can be described as gangly, even lanky, said the tall, lean, chest-forward-shoulders-back president, who is relatively thin and also long-limbed, at his historic first inauguration. He said something like, We've had husky -- and look where that's gotten us. I say it's time to get lanky, and I'm gonna go ahead and get seriously lanky on this [deleted] office of the president (and shit). Of course we're paraphrasing here, he didn't really say that. Wish we could report what he did say, because your jaw would've hit the floor. Suffice to say ain't never been a gangly mother elected president, and if this one don't live up to the hype, the tremendous weight of expectations on them gangly shoulders, it might be a generation before we can elect another. And gee whiz, is that really fair?

Gangly Rights Organizations, if any existed, would have to be ecstatic at this development, as it reflects well on their kind and represents the culmination of their long hard struggle to get whatever it is gangly people can't get, so that they can have access to everything non-gangly people have, which we so often take for granted, those of us who are more, um, regularly proportioned, that is, relatively low on the lanky scale, if you hear what I'm sayin.

Mr. Obama also appears to be the first black president, which was not missed by the major news organizations, they kind of beat it to death. Some people are obsessed with that shit I guess -- whatever. The presidential archives have been thoroughly rechecked to see if there might have been a black president before, maybe one everybody forgot about, but so far no word of any previous black presidents, which would clearly make him the first black president to complete half his term in office, and also the first whose last name starts and ends with a vowel, as well as the first president to really grow up with the Brady Bunch, and (this writer must confess) the first who is just so flat out cool and amazing, it's like o my god the presence thing is just out of this world, he's the first dreamsicle president! And uh, he's the first to have made his own Kraft Macaroni and Cheese, the first to have paid to play Space Invaders, he's got a great motor and he runs the court well, he really has a knack for utilizing space and creating angles to generate open looks, in fact one might go so far as to say that this president executes the pick and pop better than any chief executive since Millard Fillmore.

Excuse me, I've got a call coming in on the other line. This is Dennis Platen, at the Alamodome.


  1. The lack of knowledge of history on this blog is absolutely stunning. Let me put that another way. I for one am absolutely stunned by the lack of knowledge of history on this blog. Prior to the first world war there were a number of rangy, long-limbed presidents, including no less a figure than Lincoln himself. Lesser known is that Cazzie Russell almost ascended to the vice presidency in the wake of the Watergate scandal (or, in the parlance of our times, Watergategate), one of several odd decisions apparently attributable to Nixon's overindulgence in mescaline to counteract the depressing effects of his fall. For shame, Mr. Rasmussen, for shame!

  2. I think it might be time to rework this for 2012. But that's just my opinion and who the heck am I. Anyway, now that you're famous with Andrew The Sullivan, you might consider creating a gratuitous Facebook page so I can Like you and follow you (I'll stay one car-length behind, I promise) and read your amazing snazzy humor things. Otherwise, you will get lost in the tumultuous Pinterests of our times and I'll be so busy pinning shit that I could give a rat's patoot about, I'll forget I ever knew you, and that would be a shame.

  3. Many thanks for the input. We were in the process of interviewing for a new head of marketing, but what the heck, the job is yours if you want it. The Founder's humble nature rules out self-marketing in any form. The plan is to write what we write (such as it is), put it here and people can come look at it any time. If most prefer funny pictures of chimpanzees saying things like 'More deviled eggs, sis!', then so be it. We can't compete with that. Also, please do not ever again let us hear you say 'who the heck am I'. You're Lisa Wines -- and don't you ever forget that young woman.


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