24 November 2010

Several Easy Ways You Can Act Now to Have Absolutely No Effect on Global Warming

Some people don't believe in global warming, they think it's all a bunch of bullshit. Others take a more nuanced view. Quite a few do believe it is extremely real and could mean the end of all life on earth. Of course it could be real but largely or totally unrelated to human activity. In any case, in another hundred years or so we should have our answer. But by then it may be too late. Or it may not, it could still be too early or possibly it might be exactly the right moment. One way or another, you are alive now and you have to act. So act now, using these

Simple Ways to not Affect Global Warming One Way or The Other

Stop using electric doors. They are killing the planet! If you can't break the glass go around it, or push the door open with your own two hands for the love of [your preferred deity here].

Stop drinking carbonated soft drinks. The carbon in carbonated beverages is escaping into our atmosphere and is one of the leading causes of global warming. Or at the very least purchase a special Carbon Capture Cap to put on all soft drink bottles, so that the escaping fizzy bubbles can be captured and properly sequestered.

Unplug your toaster for 35 minutes every other Tuesday.

Stop frying ice every morning when you could cut out the middle man and simply drink water. Or conversely, a switch to drinking recondensed steam vapor could save up to ten kilowatt-joule-hours annually, if everybody did it during off-peak hours.

Chop down a large tree, secure it firmly to a stone of sufficient heft, and sink said stone and tree to the bottom of a large body of water, thus sequestering the carbon forever. A bog'll work too. For more information on the tax incentives for so doing, click here.

Take your food out of the icebox thirty minutes before cooking and let it slowly warm up, using the natural heating of the 'room temperature effect.'

Retrofit your home by drilling holes in the walls and pouring sawdust in. Experts theorize that in the time you spend doing this you might otherwise waste a lot of gas driving around. Also, remove the glass from all windows and replace it with sheets of lead. Yeah you heard right, lead. Now get crackin.

Stop writing so many screenplays! Jesus, you're the only one who likes them, don't you get it? There are lots of good movies already anyway, let's just watch those for a few years until we figure out the whole renewable energy thing, or until you get a halfway decent idea, whichever comes first.

Don't run, walk. Running uses up to twenty-five times more energy than walking, energy which could be used to pull a plow or drive a steamship. Actually walking also wastes significant energy resources, and the absolute best thing you can do for the environment is probably to lay down and take only very shallow breaths, until death comes for you.

3 comments:

  1. Thanks for the weird blog, I don't know how I got here. I agree I think it is important that we take action. I for one have stopped using electric doors and I convinced two friends to join me. I hope it will be enough to help save the planet in time.

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  2. These are supposed to be easy? Other than the screenplay one, I can't afford to do any of these right now. Isn't there some way I can save the planet by eating another bag of chips?

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  3. @Evie: I like the way you think -- wanna get a cup of coffee? I'll get the door ;)
    @oilcan: There are several ways of saving the planet by consuming chips and even cookies. One is to only eat them out of a recycled bag. Another is to only purchase brands clearly labeled as organic. But you won't be having any effect if you don't get up off your ass and get over to the store with that recycled bag.

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