24 November 2010

Several Easy Ways You Can Act Now to Have Absolutely No Effect on Global Warming

Some people don't believe in global warming, they think it's all a bunch of bullshit. Others take a more nuanced view. Quite a few do believe it is extremely real and could mean the end of all life on earth. Of course it could be real but largely or totally unrelated to human activity. In any case, in another hundred years or so we should have our answer. But by then it may be too late. Or it may not, it could still be too early or possibly it might be exactly the right moment. One way or another, you are alive now and you have to act. So act now, using these

Simple Ways to not Affect Global Warming One Way or The Other

Stop using electric doors. They are killing the planet! If you can't break the glass go around it, or push the door open with your own two hands for the love of [your preferred deity here].

Stop drinking carbonated soft drinks. The carbon in carbonated beverages is escaping into our atmosphere and is one of the leading causes of global warming. Or at the very least purchase a special Carbon Capture Cap to put on all soft drink bottles, so that the escaping fizzy bubbles can be captured and properly sequestered.

Unplug your toaster for 35 minutes every other Tuesday.

Stop frying ice every morning when you could cut out the middle man and simply drink water. Or conversely, a switch to drinking recondensed steam vapor could save up to ten kilowatt-joule-hours annually, if everybody did it during off-peak hours.

Chop down a large tree, secure it firmly to a stone of sufficient heft, and sink said stone and tree to the bottom of a large body of water, thus sequestering the carbon forever. A bog'll work too. For more information on the tax incentives for so doing, click here.

Take your food out of the icebox thirty minutes before cooking and let it slowly warm up, using the natural heating of the 'room temperature effect.'

Retrofit your home by drilling holes in the walls and pouring sawdust in. Experts theorize that in the time you spend doing this you might otherwise waste a lot of gas driving around. Also, remove the glass from all windows and replace it with sheets of lead. Yeah you heard right, lead. Now get crackin.

Stop writing so many screenplays! Jesus, you're the only one who likes them, don't you get it? There are lots of good movies already anyway, let's just watch those for a few years until we figure out the whole renewable energy thing, or until you get a halfway decent idea, whichever comes first.

Don't run, walk. Running uses up to twenty-five times more energy than walking, energy which could be used to pull a plow or drive a steamship. Actually walking also wastes significant energy resources, and the absolute best thing you can do for the environment is probably to lay down and take only very shallow breaths, until death comes for you.

11 November 2010

On the Lost Art of Blogging

It seems anachronous in this day and age to suggest that blogging is a lost art, but that's exactly what it has become: anachronistic.

If you wander around the internet a little these days you find row after row of abandoned blogs, uninhabited shells of what were at the time regarded as the future, but which now seem hopelessly en frusse. Indeed most bloggers stopped blogging a few years ago, dealing a crushing blow to the community of bloggers but not resulting in a mass abandonment of the blogosphere as feared. Instead, the best bloggers have moved their blogs behind impenetrable firewalls, or hired teams of ferocious Dobermans to ward off the constant spam attacks that seem to have become an inalienable part of the human blogging condition.

When one thinks back on the golden age of blogging, one cannot help but pontificate about how all the great blogs they had then were so much better than the stupid blogs we have now. True, the blog has been around for 25 years and the form has yet to produce an Emily Dickinson, a Mortimer Stokes or a St. Thomas of Aquinas of Marietta, Georgia. Still, there were some pretty good ones on there back in the day, blogs you could spend all afternoon curled up with and never once want to throw your shoe at the TV.

Sadly, however, the blogging arts have really fallen off a cliff since Facebase and Twitterer came along and basically ate (what little remained of) everyone's brain. We really have no one to blame but ourselves. Well and all the big dumb bloggers who shut down their stupid blogs and now just post half-formed inanities on whatever social network promises the most instant gratification these days. Is that all blogging has ever been, a way to show off how clever you are in some pathetic attempt to freeze pizza? Or a place to feather one's own nest and get in bed with sponsors for the sake of quick buck? Well if that is all a blog is then to hell with it, I wash my hands, face, and neck of the whole sordid business!

When you think about it, it's amazing that "blog" ever caught on as a word. I mean say it out loud a few times. Blog. Blog. It just sounds so made up, doesn’t it? Blog! LOL!

There is that long enough? I don't know anymore, how long does a blog post have to be these days? And damned if it ain't hard work, no wonder no one blogs anymore, they don't have time I bet. I mean this took me like twenty minutes, I'm sweating my jerry chandlers off and I haven't even said anything.

05 November 2010

Dolphins Unhurt in Sea World Cull

A fake news story about a purportedly ecologically necessary cull at one of those ocean theme park places where they have performing seals and dolphins and all that, was not written Thursday when doubts arose in the mind of the author concerning the story's possible origin in something previously read, possibly in The Onion. No one was hurt or injured, Tony, and no onlookers, it appears it was a simple event in the mind of the author, with no basis in or connection to reality as that term is generally understood.

Authorities had no comment on the event, they had not heard anything about it, they thought that whatever happened or did not happen it didn't amount to a bug's ass and frankly, they were a little pissed about being awakened from a good sleep on account of it. Preliminary searches of The Onion archive have turned up no such silly cull item, but that does not rule out the possibility that the idea is stolen from somewhere else, so there is no story here, it was never written, but you can imagine how it would have went, slinging blame all around, making it seem like the seals and otters were overrunning everything, tearing up crops and eating our babies and so on, probably just as well anyway. Ron?