19 October 2010

The Rise and The Fall of The Europe

This the fifth and (let us pray) final installment of The Europe, a series of investigative reports carefully designed to leave you the more you read, the more the stupider you get. Parts I through IV can be found elsewhere on this blog, in that order. They tell the stunning if largely imaginary story of a continent's rise to power, its blood-drenched path to unificationalism, and its subsequent implosion from a once mighty empire with parking for up to 200 to a dilapidated outshack, a laughingstock to the blogosphere. Spoiler alert! The paragraphs below may tell you things you do not already know and thus ruin for you the potential joy of learning them later, under better circumstances. Was it overexpansion? Over-unbridled enthusiasm? An excess of over-under-bridled enthusinationalism? Or some third possibility? How did The Europe grow so rapidly and then, even faster, collapse? Having just added six new tiny little nation-state members to its growing empire, how could it all be crumbling just minutes later?

Measured in the time spans of continents and cuisines, The Europe must seem as a mere trifle in the moment's eye, a flash of grease in the proverbial pan-European dreams of so many pan-European sous chefs and Europatriots, putting age-old prejudices behind them for a second and Europeanly uniting to form a single united The Europe, and so on and so forth, muddling their metaphors in the service of a one united The Europe that will be unitary, unified, unificationalized, de-disunited, antidisinfragmented, completely and utterly indivisible, re-un-scattered-into-dozens-of-tiny-little-nation-states, etc. etc. and so on ad rectum, ad nauseum.

This is Terminus Maximus, with an ultimatum, from the Coliseum.

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