Only One Onlooker
A cheese fire ripped through this southside neighborhood yesterday, spreading heat and light as it raged, not killing and injuring so much as baking seven things into various states of golden brown delectitude. The one onlooker was reportedly nonplussed, as it appears he may have set the cheese blaze himself in what began as a controlled attempt to bake cheese and went haywire, killing none but singe-ing thousands in the greater southside region, cutting power to millions, knocking telephone poles flat and generally wreaking havoc on the dreams of a generation of cheese fire impresarios.
Authorities have instituted a ban on cheese fires, flambes, patty melts and so on, closing steakhouses, arresting spotwelders and matchmakers and confiscating thousands of tiki torches in the name of national security. Supermarkets have gone temporarily off line as they struggle to quickly comply with new laws outlawing the sale of cheese within four miles of a gas station or a lit match. A spokesman for cheese explained that although cheese was responsible for millions of deaths each year, on the whole death is an integral part of life and yelling at the cheese is unlikely to change that. My buddy Dave, aka The Voice of Reason, could not be reached for comment. But I’ll keep trying.
This is Jean-Ramon Anabaptiste, up to my ears in corn pone fritters, reporting.