26 August 2010

Austerity Measures Now in Effect

For some time now there has been widespread speculation concerning the possible implementation of (so-called) Austerity Measures.

Well as of noon Eastern Standard Time, Austerity Measures are now in (full) Effect (yo). They came out last night and they are not going to be easy my friends. No more of these imaginary, theoretical sacrifices that are effectively nothing more than bookkeeping maneuvers. No, this time when we say we are cutting things to the bone, some bones are really gonna get cut to.

The Leader announced the Austerity Measures in front of an audience of the world's super elite rich folk captains of industry, bloated bureacrats, and foreign dictators, who were flown to the event in individual jet airliners with no expense spared in pursuit of the most luxurious travel experience ever imagined by humans, each flight a cocoon of supreme comfort where no appetite from the common to the completely depraved went unsatisfied, and they didn't even charge for the headphones, and then upon landing each was given a healthy dose of the elixir of youth and just the perfect outfit (snazzy and high fashion but totally catching the essence of that person) and delivered in fettle finest to the ceremony, where awaited them a light repast of delightful delicacies that you and I will never get a crack at in our pitiful little lifetimes, bub.

The time for shared sacrifice is over, croaked the Leader as he struggled to digest the suckling pig he had just swallowed whole, wrapped in its own mother's bacon and roasted over a bonfire of the last precious babies of a rapidly disappearing species of tree vole. Now is the time to tighten our belts, pull up our socks, make any other necessary sartorial adjustments, and get back to living the kind of poor subsistence but still potentially deeply satisfying lives that our ancestors left the villages to escape, first chance they got.

Most of the Austerity Measures have to do with the conservation of energy, as we are going to need every last bit of energy in our arse(nal)s to get through this next rough patch.

In general, the citizenry is to conserve energy, and is absolutely forbidden to waste any energy whatsoever. Those wasting energy on idle pursuits or simply for their own amusement, if apprehended, will be subject to severe punishment, the precise horrors of which will be specified elsewhere.

The speed limit will be 35 miles per hour, and any vehicle exceeding this figure will be instantly taken out by a predator drone.

The whole business with the mass production and long-distance shipment of frozen foods is to be ceased forthwith. It is unfortunate and we will all miss our chicken nuggets, but until all deficits are eliminated and Government is back on a sound financial footing, such sacrifices must become a way of life for our people.

No more electric doors, fans, guitars, or keyboards. Not fair I know, but such are the consequences of the housing bubble.

No more ice except on special occasions. While it is recognized that carbonated beverages are a luxury that cannot be afforded at this critical juncture, no one could handle the thought of giving them up, so we're gonna tax the hell out of them, like ten thousand percent, it's gonna be like nineteen bucks for a coke now.

Cheese once melted may not be melted a second time.

Recreational drugs including alcohol and tobacco of fine quality are reserved for The Elite and should be turned in to the local Recreational Drug Depository at your earliest convenience. The value of the substances turned over will be compensated to the Citizen in salt peanuts. Coffee in its simple form may be enjoyed up to twice per week (three times with a doctor's note), but no more lattes, macchiatos and other such high-falutin concoctions, not until we get our fiscal house in order.

There will be a two year moratorium on the large-scale manufacture of new automobiles, airplanes, houses, and furniture. Corn-fed artisans working under strict supervision may still produce new armoires and chests of drawers as specifically authorized by a majority vote of the legislature.

No more bird feeders. We cannot spare for the birds when we have not enough for ourselves. Citizens who feel they have extra to share may set up people feeders and stock them with any number of delectable treats from pop tarts to canned strawberries. It is unfortunate that the Austerity Measures may have negative impacts on many other species besides our own, but that just shows how interconnected we all are to the web of life.

The Austerity Measures will remain in effect until further notice.

Further, and far more severe, measures could be implemented at any time, especially for complainers, so better not stick your nose out, just suck it up and get used to it. We been living pretty high on the hog a right long time now, and we still got a lot further to fall.

11 August 2010

Cheese Fire Incinerates Seven in Qatar

Only One Onlooker
Unstunned

A cheese fire ripped through this southside neighborhood yesterday, spreading heat and light as it raged, not killing and injuring so much as baking seven things into various states of golden brown delectitude. The one onlooker was reportedly nonplussed, as it appears he may have set the cheese blaze himself in what began as a controlled attempt to bake cheese and went haywire, killing none but singe-ing thousands in the greater southside region, cutting power to millions, knocking telephone poles flat and generally wreaking havoc on the dreams of a generation of cheese fire impresarios.

Authorities have instituted a ban on cheese fires, flambes, patty melts and so on, closing steakhouses, arresting spotwelders and matchmakers and confiscating thousands of tiki torches in the name of national security. Supermarkets have gone temporarily off line as they struggle to quickly comply with new laws outlawing the sale of cheese within four miles of a gas station or a lit match. A spokesman for cheese explained that although cheese was responsible for millions of deaths each year, on the whole death is an integral part of life and yelling at the cheese is unlikely to change that. My buddy Dave, aka The Voice of Reason, could not be reached for comment. But I’ll keep trying.

This is Jean-Ramon Anabaptiste, up to my ears in corn pone fritters, reporting.