10 July 2010

Trees Go On Strike

Humans were stunned recently to discover that plants are not only conscious but intelligent, that they communicate with each other and despite some disputes here and there in general they are united and ready to reassert the position of dominance that (at least in their distressingly Messianic view) is the Natural Right of the plant kingdom over the animal. This promises messy results.

We cannot after all afford to exterminate all of them, without threatening our own survival. They on the other hand don't need anything above the insects really, and therein lies the key. Humans must immediately initiate efforts to communicate with our friends the pollinators on this issue. As fellow animals we must unite against the dominion of the plants. The enemy of my enemy is my friend and all that. We may have to offer the bees and butterflies subsidized nectar, so that they will not be reliant on the other side, but this seems a small price to pay to maintain life as we know it. Of course, if the plants have already gotten to them it may very well be too late, and in that case, god help us all.

Some may ask why must there be a war with the plants. Can we not reach out to them? We must attempt to better understand their way of life, live together in harmony and stop trying to solve every problem with guns and butter. Unfortunately such efforts will inevitably prove futile. These trees are not people like you and me. They stand there looking all peaceful and all, and sure they give us shade, and wood for our fires, but the simple fact is that trees have no moral code. There's no telling what an adolescent willow can be capable of, backed into an alley corner with a switchblade and a headful of rusty crack. It's just not worth it.

Humans are advised to stay indoors, not to accept any large wrapped gifts from plants, not even house plants they've had for years and think they know, and to check the internet regularly for an important announcement concerning our next move as a species in this epic struggle for survival.


  1. I for one am not surprised the trees have finally risen up to throw off their shackles of oppression. Horticulture is murder! In the supermarket yesterday I saw they were selling extract of grapeseed oil and I thought o my god, how are the grape trees going to react when they hear about this?

  2. Agree with Kenny D -- let's take an apple orchard, which most humans regard as a beautiful enterprise, from the point of view of the apple tree. I mean can you imagine how it must feel, to be planted in ROWS like that? To have your biological processes completely co-opted in the service of the master, get force-fed nutrients to sweeten your fruit, which is rendered sterile so that you'll never have that offspring that would make your life complete, and then sprayed in the face with gallons of the most heinous pesticides?


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