15 July 2010

In Financial News

This simple and easy-to-use blog post offers a generic financial article which will save the reader from ever having to consult the business section again.

Step 1. First choose a headline. Depending on real-world conditions, one or more of the following headlines may apply:

Stocks Fall as Supply Outstrips Demand
Stocks Rise as Demand Outweighs Supply
Stocks Even as Supply and Demand in Approximate Equilibrium
Stocks Rise on Wild Optimism
Stocks Fall on Negative Sentiment
Stocks Plummet as Collapse Approaches

The text of the story is then roughly as follows.

The stock, bond or whatever market rose or fell today, or it was about even, in heavy or light trading that could be attributed to a jobs or earnings report, or some geopolitical news or perhaps another natural disaster (e.g. the recent Black Hole That Swallowed Baltimore, which darkened sentiment), but which in truth is due to an impossibly complex interaction of factors, known and unknown. Don't say we didn't warn you.

An economist is quoted expressing qualified optimism, based on the rise or fall of some particular indicator or another towards some level that her theories predict will optimize economic growth to the max. The guy who works at the investment firm, on the other hand, is wildly bullish, pointing out that only suckers stay on the sidelines and there has never been a better time to buy.

Specific details of the performance of some firm of presumed importance are then offered, e.g. a big steelmaker experienced a rise or fall in sales this quarter due to the vagaries of market forces in the commodities sector.

If the above still does not fill the target number of column inches, a photo from the trading floor, or perhaps one of cargo being unloaded at a port may be displayed.

In conclusion, the fact that bond prices and yields move in opposite directions may be noted, without further explanation.

Conclusion of generic financial article.

No comments:

Post a Comment

Please leave your "comment" in the box so it's easy for us to clean up after. Your call will be answered in the order it is received.