Most Onlookers Stunned
Stunned onlookers were all a-twitter as nine imbroglio particles from the Federalist Union of Thuggy Martial Footsoldier Goons of Platitudes sauced an endangered puma species and strung it up on its proverbial alibis, in front of a crowd of (the very same) stunned onlookers. The particles were no match for the Irish, as they cocked it all up in a razor's edge and could never get a hold of their mandibles. Attempts to contact the Authorities for comment or explanation were in vain. I mean we tried calling these guys like ten times, we left messages and stuff, we even tried faxing, but nothing. So that's really all she wrote on this one. What follows is a series of dummy sentences constructed purely to foster the illusion of content. The reader is urged to pay no further attention. On second thought, why bother even writing anything here, since no one will be reading it anyway? Why pour heart and soul into a bunch of meaningless constructions, prose pearls in a swineless forest, swirls before pine, when everybody's already clicked on to the next big thing, over to ivegotherpes dot com or whatever sick degenerate nonsense people are into today. It's enough to make a body want to quit the internet and light out for the territories.
The situation is expected to remain stable through the weekend, with a seventy percent chance of clearing on Sunday afternoon. There now isn't that nice. The story seems long enough to bait the searchbots, an engaging mash-up of contemporary s'mores sure to attract enough eyeballs to generate the advertising revenue I need to make bail, get the hell out of this snakepit and back to writing the hard-edged imitation news stories that make little to no sense, for which I might have become famous had I survived the Reagan years.
This is Whittaker Chambers, with one ear to the tracks, in the Great Rift Valley, reporting.