28 May 2010

The Europe Part IV: An Economic Storm Gathers its Clouds

This is the fourth installment of The Europe. Unlike some others we could name, say Star Wars, or The Spam Review, this series does not begin with part four as some kind of gimmick, oh we'll go back and make up a beginning later, that kind of thing. No, in this case, Parts I, II, and III already exist.

The recent economic downturn, the so-called global financial crisis or whatever, is bound to have a tragic effect on the growth prospects for The Europe.

Are the stimulus packages proposed by the ineffectual governments of the tiny little nation-states of the old Europe large enough to generate any positive long-term growth? Will massive debt defaults in the so-called Titgits group (The Ireland The Greece The Spain) set off wider collapses of the credit markets throughout The Europe? Or will intervention by The Europe The Central Bank become necessary to avert further catastrophic destruction of wealth and declining living standards, with the inevitable social unrest, resurrection of age-old conflicts and the whole clash of societies thing?

These questions remain to be answered, but answered they must be, as in great times great men and women are born not made, forged from the hard true grit of the iron stove, rising to the challenge like a fine souffle, then gathering together in armed bands and rampaging for what they believe in. On Wednesday afternoon five thousand protesters carrying signs reading No Definite Article, No Definite Prospects and The Europe Bay Bay marched on Trafalgar Square in Rome in defiance of an order from The Europe CEO Dr. Christian Kovacques to "Hush up with all the silly nonsense and get with the program already." When security forces attacked with party cannons and pink pennywhistles things threatened to get ugly, but the demonstrators whipped up a duck a l'orange and just a wonderful little asparagus salad that so wowed our judges that Dr. Kovacques immediately acceded to all of their demands. When pressed, however, none of the demonstrators was able to articulate a single reasonable demand, requests for a second helping of the asparagus salad (or at least a peek at the recipe) notwithstanding.

The following Brief Quiz (cue theme music) is offered to provide a real-time assessment of the reader's apprehension of this complex subject.

Question 1. Look at the photograph, then choose the best answer available, or make up a better one if you like.
1) The Europe has become:
a) stray dog heaven
b) an outlet for overflow parking in the neighborhood
c) a place for drunks to pee, or worse
d) a shining beacon of hope for a the united European Yoon-yun!

Conclusion of Section 1. Please put down your pencils and stretch your arms for twenty minutes before moving on to Section 2.

Section II - Essay

Write a well-developed essay (or not) of 1-500 words on the following question:

Can The Europe and its new central currency, The Eurus, offer an alternative to the dollar as a global reserve currency, or will The Eurus be a part of a basket of currencies including the Asiano, the Ameribuckaroo, and the Bump & Shake (Uh Huh)?

Please write your answer in the space provided, or use the Comment box below if you must.

Pass your papers forward when you're done and that's it. Final results will be posted on the class webpage. Don't call us, we'll call you.

21 May 2010

Seven Aped in Mother of God Fertilizer Imbroglio

Most Onlookers Stunned
Apes Freed

Stunned onlookers were all a-twitter as nine imbroglio particles from the Federalist Union of Thuggy Martial Footsoldier Goons of Platitudes sauced an endangered puma species and strung it up on its proverbial alibis, in front of a crowd of (the very same) stunned onlookers. The particles were no match for the Irish, as they cocked it all up in a razor's edge and could never get a hold of their mandibles. Attempts to contact the Authorities for comment or explanation were in vain. I mean we tried calling these guys like ten times, we left messages and stuff, we even tried faxing, but nothing. So that's really all she wrote on this one. What follows is a series of dummy sentences constructed purely to foster the illusion of content. The reader is urged to pay no further attention. On second thought, why bother even writing anything here, since no one will be reading it anyway? Why pour heart and soul into a bunch of meaningless constructions, prose pearls in a swineless forest, swirls before pine, when everybody's already clicked on to the next big thing, over to ivegotherpes dot com or whatever sick degenerate nonsense people are into today. It's enough to make a body want to quit the internet and light out for the territories.

The situation is expected to remain stable through the weekend, with a seventy percent chance of clearing on Sunday afternoon. There now isn't that nice. The story seems long enough to bait the searchbots, an engaging mash-up of contemporary s'mores sure to attract enough eyeballs to generate the advertising revenue I need to make bail, get the hell out of this snakepit and back to writing the hard-edged imitation news stories that make little to no sense, for which I might have become famous had I survived the Reagan years.

This is Whittaker Chambers, with one ear to the tracks, in the Great Rift Valley, reporting.

13 May 2010

Reduce Defense Spending

The Proverbial Times supports a robust defense establishment, insofar as is necessary to maintain the security of our nation, while pointing out that all of our (real) defense needs could easily be met at 15% of the current expenditure.

Other countries should know that they better not come fucking with us. But at the same time, we don't need to go around fucking with other countries, do we? What's that about? We don't need whatever they got, we got plenty of our own we can get by on. I mean we're the United States of America, or Finland goddamnit or whatever country you're from, and the good lord gave it all to us. Everything. Just look around this country and tell me we don't have everything we need, right here. And then tell me what the hell we're doing half-way around the world trying to 'liberate' people. Again. Talking about how everything is a 'threat to our national security.' Sure, everything is a threat – when you’re greedy and paranoid.

Isn't it transparent enough? How does it continue to go on, while we insist on thinking of ourselves as a moral society, some kind of exception, the leader of the free world, god’s gift to humanity, one of the top five societies of all time.

Fiff and fiddlesticks!

The Times apologizes to its readers for getting worked up there, but sometimes it gets our proverbial goat. Seriously and for the love of god: have you read what goes on in this world?

Readers who have read what goes on in this world are invited to offer their insights, using the comment box below.