Like Some Major Shit, Just Woah
Internet Access Unaffected
Chunks of the US ship of state continued to fly off today as another major urban area disappeared off the face of the earth, and apparently from the universe as we know it. Oh my god folks not to alarm you again but this time it was Baltimore, mouth-watering crab cakes and all. It's not clear what happened to the city exactly, but it seemed to implode in on itself, collapsing due to gravity into a black hole which is bending time throughout the region Leslie, I'm, I'm standing right in front of it here, let's see if we can get it in the shot. I understand this is the first such event in our solar system in recorded history, and that goes back over 4000 years, Tom – not much in galactic time I’ll give you but it is an all-time record as far as we know. No sign of survivors but then no dead either, leaving Authorities confused and unsure what to count. I spoke to the fire chief a minute ago, but he said he’s reluctant to send any more men in past the event horizon, he uh, said he's sent in 3 so far and the results have not been pretty. Although it should be noted that the three men volunteered for the assignment, and I think we can presume, you know, they’re still in there, or if not, then they’ve gone on to a better place.
Interestingly, the people who were in the area at the time the hole formed, those inside the actual black hole, Chuck, have reportedly communicated with their loved ones via e-mail ... um, it's not clear whether they may be in some sort of parallel dimension, whether they're perhaps in limbo, or whether they're actually tweeting from beyond the grave, I mean from heaven or hell, but in any case it does seem clear that they have access to the worldwide web, and with pretty good connection speeds. And thank heaven for that, because what would life be, or death, without the internet?
This is Leonard Bernstein, at the Philharmonic. Ron?