17 April 2010

The Spam Review (Part IV)

Like all users of the worldwide web service these days, The Proverbial Bejesus gets shitloads of spam, most of which is deleted without so much as a cusser’s tinkle.

How many cases of fake rolexes, single Russian ladies, and furry pink coxcombs can a single internet user order, anyway? And as for all the viagra, isn't the market inevitably shrinking?

Still, as annoying as these spambots are, as incapable as they seem to be of following the basic tenets of human decency (modesty, chastity, plasticity and perspicacity), nonetheless common courtesy mandates a simple reply, that is the least we can do as human beings. Never in the face of bad manners let your manners go to bad, as my grandma might have said when cleaning out her spam filters, which like many a Pennsylvania matron she did each spring, calling on all the children to pitch in, then gathering that evening around a roaring spam bonfire with all the neighbors to share a jug of cider that kicked and talk about the old times – before they had spam to burn.

But enough of this gay banter – let’s get to it shall we? As always, these are actual e-mails from actual humans and/or their spambots.

Spam Example Message #1

Subject: Thank you for setting the order No.475456

Reply: First of all, special thanks to each and every one of the thousands of spambots who sent me this message. I was surprised to see how many thank you messages I received in regard to order number four-seven-five-four-five-six; in fact I must confess that even after a thorough ransacking of both memory and records, I can find no indication that I ever placed such an order, and frankly I don’t know what the hell you-all are talking about. Still, it is touching to see how many lives I have touched with this order, and receiving your outpouring of thank yous certainly makes all of the effort (of placing the order, which includes browsing your product selections and comparing them to the similar offerings from other vendors, registering with your on-line system and completing the ordering process, etc.) and expense (the bill for such an order, if it existed, which has obviously touched so many millions of lives, cannot be small, as you might imagine) worth every last pennysecond that I didn’t spend on it. However, in lieu of the fact that the order was never placed, I hereby cancel it immediately and demand a full refund, which I will transfer to your bank account if you will only act as intermediary for a Mr. X who died in a plane crash that you can read about on Wikipedia and sadly left no relatives except us hucksters and we need someone who can take delivery of the money, we’ll pay you like millions but first we need some money for smokes, like two thousand should cover it, and later we will transfer the 28 million to a secret compartment in the heel of your shoe just send us your shoe account number and a couple more grand and maybe a playstation or something to cover the transfer fee, all of which is perfectly legal but if my boss catches me we’re (expletive deleted) so don’t tell anybody, and throw some chocolates in there if you wouldn't mind, oh and I'm your brother or sister in Allah or Christ or something.

Sincerely yours, etc. etc.

Sample Example Spam Message #2

From "Dianne Bravo" at “floridaroof.com”

Subject: Fwd: Invest in your wang!

[Message content deleted in adherence to basic standards of taste and decency.]

Dear Ms. Bravo:

I am writing in response to your e-mail message of the 24th – a thousand thanks for forwarding the information to me (and for forwarding it a thousand times, no less)! First of all, I have to tell you that the idea is certainly an intriguing one. I have spent a lifetime thinking about my wang, and yet never once has it occurred to me that I might invest in it. A little voice is telling me that your idea holds the very key to my future. And yet, having reviewed your "prospectus" – which consists principally of what I will politely call smut – I am inclined instead to seek the counsel of a professional financial advisor, in addition to an accredited urologist, before I make this potentially life-changing investment.

Yours sincerely, etc. etc.

Spam Message Example #3

Subject: YOUR E-MAIL ID WON YOU THE PRIZE

Reply: Thank you, thank you very much, thank you. O my gosh, that's -- that's great, thank you. First of all, I would like to thank the judges who selected my e-mail out of the billions on the planet competing for this prestigious fake award. I must confess that my e-mail address was not something chosen lightly, but rather the subject of careful consideration on my part (whatever that means). I knew it would have to stand out from among billions and it was carefully constructed to catch the eye of the judges, albeit in a good way. Still, I never expected to receive recognition for my impossibly clever choice, and so on and so forth, and it is only too gratifying to write these words as a first draft of my acceptance speech, just kind of spit it all out here, the long hours reviewing other e-mail addresses to analyze what type of address I could choose that would really have the maximum impact, the sleepness lights agonizing over those final three choices, the moment along the Snake River when a brace of elk drank from the nape of my neck, putting the last nail in the coffin of my final decision, making it clear this was a special e-mail moniker, one that would inevitably be so recognized by the selection committee, made up as it is of glorious individuals oozing wisdom and cantankerous for justice, the best and brightest of the best and brightest, Emmy winners all, and so on and so forth, ad nauseum, ad rectum.

Spam Sample Message # 4

Subject: Have a concrete thing in your pants

Reply: Thanks for your message, but (at the risk of annoying) I must ask for more concrete information. Still, at first glance I have to say that it sounds good, as lo these many years my pants have contained only the vaguest notions. To have something a little more solid down there, something you couldn’t sink your teeth into, so to speak, might be just what I need. Please alleviate my concerns about the weight issue: how heavy will the concrete thing in my pants be? Where precisely will it be located? Who will take responsibility for its cleaning and maintenance? And ultimately I have to ask, would a concrete penis be all it was cracked up to be?

Spam and Eggs-Ample #5

From: Dina Sterling
Subj: Eliminate rod’s flaccidity

Reply: I'll take it under consideration, Dina, but my first reaction is that to completely eliminate rod's flaccidity may be going too far in one direction. You must see that some degree of rod's flaccidity must be maintained, I mean I still have to keep my job. The real question is, what is the appropriate percentage for maximum comfort and safety?

Spample #6

Subj: Is the SIZE of your penis enough for you?

Reply: No, the size of my penis is not enough for me. There was a time when it may have been enough, when I felt cocksure that the dimensions of my schlong would open doors for me, but I have come to see the light: the size of my penis has approximately zero impact on my happiness. In light of this, I ask: When (in heaven’s name) will you and your spambot armies stop pestering me about the size of my penis? When will the SIZE of my penis be enough, for YOU?

01 April 2010

Black Hole Swallows Baltimore

Like Some Major Shit, Just Woah
Internet Access Unaffected

Chunks of the US ship of state continued to fly off today as another major urban area disappeared off the face of the earth, and apparently from the universe as we know it. Oh my god folks not to alarm you again but this time it was Baltimore, mouth-watering crab cakes and all. It's not clear what happened to the city exactly, but it seemed to implode in on itself, collapsing due to gravity into a black hole which is bending time throughout the region Leslie, I'm, I'm standing right in front of it here, let's see if we can get it in the shot. I understand this is the first such event in our solar system in recorded history, and that goes back over 4000 years, Tom – not much in galactic time I’ll give you but it is an all-time record as far as we know. No sign of survivors but then no dead either, leaving Authorities confused and unsure what to count. I spoke to the fire chief a minute ago, but he said he’s reluctant to send any more men in past the event horizon, he uh, said he's sent in 3 so far and the results have not been pretty. Although it should be noted that the three men volunteered for the assignment, and I think we can presume, you know, they’re still in there, or if not, then they’ve gone on to a better place.

Interestingly, the people who were in the area at the time the hole formed, those inside the actual black hole, Chuck, have reportedly communicated with their loved ones via e-mail ... um, it's not clear whether they may be in some sort of parallel dimension, whether they're perhaps in limbo, or whether they're actually tweeting from beyond the grave, I mean from heaven or hell, but in any case it does seem clear that they have access to the worldwide web, and with pretty good connection speeds. And thank heaven for that, because what would life be, or death, without the internet?

This is Leonard Bernstein, at the Philharmonic. Ron?