24 February 2010

Fish Are Not Wombats

Fish are not wombats. Many regard this as self-evident, if not outright self-fish. While it is undeniable that at least some fish are wombats, or would like to be, and that many wombats are neither fish nor wombats, still, the reclassification of ALL fish as wombats is a grave injustice. And don't think I'll just stand by idly blogging about it, dear reader. No, here I draw a line, here is where I say, once and for all (word by word, from the diaphragm, voice quaking): This mayonnaise shall not spoil.

Since the Magna Carta was passed at Runnymede way back in the day, fish have maintained the right to be fish without interference from, or being classified as, wombats. The principle has become all but synonymous with western democracy. Until, that is, W declared fish wombats in an obscure decree in his last days as determinator. Wombat enthusiasts who voted in large numbers for 'change' have so far been disappointed, as Obama has shown that, unlike the sea urchin, he has no spines.

But why stop at wombats? Or why stop at fish for that matter? If cheese can be put on a soda cracker, and donkeys can make hay out of the rooster's ambivalence, then why should all fish not be classed as donkeys? Who can draw the line anywhere, when elephants roam the Serengeti, clearly neither wombats nor fish, yet possessing the sleek androgyny of the dolphin, which is not a fish but dammit it oughta be.

Just checkin if yer listenin. My real point was about Tiger Woods. Man that guy can hit (the bejesus out of) a golf ball. And apparently he's quite a ladies' man. So what's all the fuss about? It's not like fish are really wombats, in any case.

OK, we'll pick it up right here, next Tuesday. And don't forget to read chapters 3 and 4 in Jurgensen, especially the example of the guy with no neck.

6 comments:

  1. Who do I complain to about this blog? I would like to spend a lot of my time and energy describing in detail the many levels on which this site sucks. Where would I even begin? And what would be the address to send it to?

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  2. Dear Bennifer:
    First let me thank you for your comment. We rely on continuous feedback from our customers in order to improve our product. Please send your detailed critique to:
    Number 1 Proverbial Bejesus Castle
    Kingdom of the Dazed and Confused
    Baffin Bay, Wisconsin, The Moon

    For your reference, according to our internal estimates there are nine levels on which we suck, but four on which we are above average. So soldier forward we shall, at least until our funding runs out.

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  3. Professor and ChairMarch 9, 2010 at 7:22 PM

    Not to pick nits or represent myself as nitpicky or anything, but as a Professor of History and current occupant of the Richard T. Pettibone Proverbial Chair in Political Science at the University of The Bay of Fundy, I must point out that the Magna Carta itself makes no mention of fish being wombats, or wombats fish, and in fact pertains almost entirely to the rights of human subjects of the king. Nonetheless, it is a well-established principle of English Common Law that fish are fish and wombats are wombats, and never the main shall tweet.

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  4. I wholeheartedly agree with the author. If cheese can be put on a soda cracker, then why stop at wombats? This is a question neither party seems to have an answer for.

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  5. I still can't believe Tiger was cheating on his wife with like sixty bimbos. You'd think that sweet swing and three beautiful kids with a supermodel wife would be enough for any monomaniac, but it just goes to show. Oh and fish are f*cking wombats, end of f*cking story.

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  6. This site does good sucking and I wish more sites would suck like this one, or at least try to suck more. Sucking takes talent and we know all about sucking talent here in the great state of Neva-da.
    Shit sucks real nice!
    Rich Munch, reno, nv

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