09 January 2010

"Massive Layoff Stimulus Package" Enacted

In a move to stimulate long-term economic growth through intense short-term suffering, They announced the giant new Massive Layoff Stimulus Package last night, almost everyone lost their jobs again, in what appears to be the most devastating job loss stimulus program to hit the country since The Great Depression. People were literally beside themselves, as this terrible news struck the country today with Government announcing that it would not be bailing out the floorcleaners again, that it was tapped out, and instead of extending more loans to the mopmakers and the bucket suppliers, it is enacting this Massive Layoff Stimulus Package which is carefully crafted to inflict the maximum economic harm on the greatest number of people, so that by the time things return to current levels of prosperity (if they ever do), they'll be so grateful they're not having boiled boot for supper again that we'll have them by their Richard Petty Juniors.

The Massive Layoff Stimulus Package is a five year, five trillion dollar plan to take away almost everybody's jobs, pretty much at the same time, to kind of poor the people down a bit, and really test the fabric of society, see if Government can't tighten the noose another notch while we're at it. The Stimulus involves a set of deep budget cuts (5% in defense and 75% for everything else) carefully targeted at the short and middle term, just when you were thinking maybe there was some hope of pulling out of this thing (or, in the parlance of our times, 'muddling through'), the Massive Layoff Stimulus Package will kick in to ensure that you lose your current job or do not get your old job back or anything like it, not without a pay cut and other conditions injurious to your dignity but which you will have no other choice than to accept, and pretend you like it.

The last such stimulus program based on systematic confiscation of wealth and labor was enacted during the Great Depression, and led to 30 solid years of growth and prosperity. It is well remembered that despite some early difficulties World War II was a smashing success, and what a happy time the 50s were, so clearly it worked, and worked wonders one might say, with the standard of living unprecedented in human history, and of course the whole James Dean Marlon Brando cool thing, which has never really been topped if you think about it. Most experts were forced to agree that the Massive Layoff Stimulus Package is clearly necessary and prudent at this time, the safest route through the thicket, with dissenters long since bought off, marginalized, or worse.

"We think this will definitely incentivize a few people to get up off their asses and get two or three jobs, just to get some beans out of a can, maybe a hot shower on Sundays," said Joel Sensabaugh of Collapse Now, an organization advocating reckless policies that will hasten the misery but in the long term create real economic growth, which is good for the economy. "Look at underdeveloped countries: they're able to sustain phenomenal economic growth over a long period, because they're starting from such a low level. Until we get back to that standard of living - you know, where we shit squatting on two planks across a hole in the ground - we'll never be able to enjoy the really fantastic economic growth rates that we need to consistently grow our economy, keep our economy growing, which is the only path to economic growth, and absolutely essential to expanding the economic pie of the growth economy, which helps keep a dollar in my pocket, if you know what I'm saying.”

Will the Massive Layoff Stimulus Package work? Will it make our country prosperous and strong again? Discuss.

1 comment:

  1. I have not heard anything about this, in spite of the mainstream media's conspiracy to promote it, but if the experts say it's the only way then I am sure it must be necessary and prudent, I am willing to be massively laid off, as long as I get my stimulus package and Obama is not re-elected.


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