26 January 2010

The Europe’an Renaissance II

In The Europe Part I we promised to report further as developments warrant.

Well, we got our warrant. Welcome to Renaissance The Europe.

The landscapers came and left, and the new The Europe is looking better than ever. The famous statue of Colonel Escobar that had become the symbol of this symbolic attempt to unite the many little nation-states of the old fragmented Europe into a new, unitary and unified United Unit of The Europe - or, to put it just a little more bluntly, and because it's catchier: The Europe – was toppled by an angry mob led by an unidentified rakish revolutionary who is rumored to be in love with Escobar's daughter Pamelina, though in the end it appeared he was mainly after the statue, for his garden or something. Despite his incendiary oration espousing the destruction of the forces of unity, the sincerity of his anger at The Europe was called into question when, once the statue had been toppled and carefully loaded into his prepared truck, he was oddly willing to negotiate, even on first principles. Something about the whole thing smelled funny, but it was hard to put a finger on it. Conspiracy theorists have pointed to his family's ties to certain industrial concerns who appear to have been working against the The Europe project from the beginning as evidence that the process was tainted and never really capable of producing a "Europe Avec Le," a single one and only wholly double-pan-unified with unity The Europe for all the The Europeans to enjoy and bask in, as one. One Europe, that is: The Europe.

We'll be right back.

09 January 2010

"Massive Layoff Stimulus Package" Enacted

In a move to stimulate long-term economic growth through intense short-term suffering, They announced the giant new Massive Layoff Stimulus Package last night, almost everyone lost their jobs again, in what appears to be the most devastating job loss stimulus program to hit the country since The Great Depression. People were literally beside themselves, as this terrible news struck the country today with Government announcing that it would not be bailing out the floorcleaners again, that it was tapped out, and instead of extending more loans to the mopmakers and the bucket suppliers, it is enacting this Massive Layoff Stimulus Package which is carefully crafted to inflict the maximum economic harm on the greatest number of people, so that by the time things return to current levels of prosperity (if they ever do), they'll be so grateful they're not having boiled boot for supper again that we'll have them by their Richard Petty Juniors.

The Massive Layoff Stimulus Package is a five year, five trillion dollar plan to take away almost everybody's jobs, pretty much at the same time, to kind of poor the people down a bit, and really test the fabric of society, see if Government can't tighten the noose another notch while we're at it. The Stimulus involves a set of deep budget cuts (5% in defense and 75% for everything else) carefully targeted at the short and middle term, just when you were thinking maybe there was some hope of pulling out of this thing (or, in the parlance of our times, 'muddling through'), the Massive Layoff Stimulus Package will kick in to ensure that you lose your current job or do not get your old job back or anything like it, not without a pay cut and other conditions injurious to your dignity but which you will have no other choice than to accept, and pretend you like it.

The last such stimulus program based on systematic confiscation of wealth and labor was enacted during the Great Depression, and led to 30 solid years of growth and prosperity. It is well remembered that despite some early difficulties World War II was a smashing success, and what a happy time the 50s were, so clearly it worked, and worked wonders one might say, with the standard of living unprecedented in human history, and of course the whole James Dean Marlon Brando cool thing, which has never really been topped if you think about it. Most experts were forced to agree that the Massive Layoff Stimulus Package is clearly necessary and prudent at this time, the safest route through the thicket, with dissenters long since bought off, marginalized, or worse.

"We think this will definitely incentivize a few people to get up off their asses and get two or three jobs, just to get some beans out of a can, maybe a hot shower on Sundays," said Joel Sensabaugh of Collapse Now, an organization advocating reckless policies that will hasten the misery but in the long term create real economic growth, which is good for the economy. "Look at underdeveloped countries: they're able to sustain phenomenal economic growth over a long period, because they're starting from such a low level. Until we get back to that standard of living - you know, where we shit squatting on two planks across a hole in the ground - we'll never be able to enjoy the really fantastic economic growth rates that we need to consistently grow our economy, keep our economy growing, which is the only path to economic growth, and absolutely essential to expanding the economic pie of the growth economy, which helps keep a dollar in my pocket, if you know what I'm saying.”

Will the Massive Layoff Stimulus Package work? Will it make our country prosperous and strong again? Discuss.

02 January 2010

More Comfortable Chairs

The Board supports the generous provisioning of comfortable chairs, going so far as to advocate that Government guarantee every citizen access to a really comfortable piece of furniture, a place to have a nice good sit, and that such comfortable chairs should be available everywhere and empty and well-maintained at a reasonable cost, so that any time Citizen is out walking around, or whatnot, a place to sit a spell and take a load off would be a fundamental right of every human being, and so on and so forth, until it was guaranteed, in your basic liberties delineated in the citizen-state agreement you sign when they put your chip in, that not just your access but your basic human right, to a fine well-made chair of fair size built from natural materials and that didn’t damage or otherwise distract from the beauty of the landscape, a hand-crafted object designed specifically for someone of your body type, just a helluva perch, would be right there everywhere every time you need it. Would the world not be a better place? Shee-it. Somebody please explain why Government cannot achieve this, with the taxes we pay, in this day and age, when they can run a multinational conglomerate from the Cayman Islands and put a Wendy's on the moon.

The reader is challenged to shed some light (or anything else he or she wants to shed) on this conundrum, using the Comment box below.