05 December 2009

Opening Statement from The Founder

As Founder I am all things to all people.
When a tree falls, in the woods, with no one there to hear it – I am that Nobody.
When you hear the sound of one hand clapping – mine is the other hand, thumbing its nose to the beat.

I am the cream of the crop in your coffee.
I'm the salt of the earth in your wounds.
I am a white wine spritzer ($12.95).
I am available for weddings, bar mitzvahs, and dirty dancing.
I'm open an extra half-hour on Mondays now.
I am neither here nor there.

I am the voice of the big macular degeneration.
I come in six exciting colors™, including four shades of brown.
I am in all of us.
We ain’t what I used to be.

I'll come off a high screen and nail that 18-footer, or I'll absolutely destroy you down on the low box.
On that last play, I had clearly established position here (with both feet outside the restricted area, thus) way before he took off from way over there ... but if you insist on whistling me for the block, I suppose I'll just have to accept it and try to move on.

I am the cart before the horse, the proverbial horse’s ass, leaving huge piles in my wake and dreaming not of their disposal.
Like a pig, on the loose: pork free.
I'm bashful, dopey, lazy, sneezy, jaded, vicious, and pissed off.

I am the wind beneath your wings; but I’m so gusty and unpredictable that I’m completely making you not want to fly any more.
In my house, we didn't even have bootstraps to pull ourselves up by.

The fig leaf in the garden of eden;
The distance between two slices of pie;
The straws that stir your strawberry sodas;
The underfroth, churning and surging beneath the foam …
These too am I.

All those times in life you've been close, but no cigar - I was the cigar.
All the bacon you've ever brought home, the bacon too was I.
When the shoe is on the other foot, I'm the other shoe, on the first foot … waiting to drop.
Like Mr. Belvedere with turnips askance, raging [and so on and so forth.]

Want more? Had enough? “Never hesitate to say so. I can turn off the tap at will.”

So sayeth The Founder, in the Opening Statement.


  1. First comment! And my comment is, WTF?

  2. Haig (one of the original seven disciples)December 6, 2009 at 11:48 AM

    Everything The Founder can teach us is written in The Great Manual, or should be, someday. While it does not yet exist in real, actual, concrete form, there is nothing that The Great Manual cannot teach us about every aspect of life, from death to taxes. Take for example the whole question of sin, or of negligence resulting in injury to a third party, on account of a missing screw or an unshoveled walk. If you want to understand everything, really fathom what it’s all about, who you are and where you fit in the universe, in the grand scheme of things, such as it is, who or what is the Founder and what are the bedrock principles upon which the whole charade flows, you gotta check it out. It’s called The Great Manual, or it will be, someday.

  3. What the hell kind of nonsense is this anyway? First of all regardless of whether a tree is present to hear itself fall, it still makes a sound. The physical universe exists independently of human (or other) consciousness. Let's just get that out of the way up front. But I don't believe The Founder is even a person, it's more like a presence or a force, working always in benevolent ways toward pointless ends. Anyway I stopped contributing money a while ago - which may be why I've been ostracized by the community, but whatever, it don't make me no never mind.

  4. The Founder is four things to nine people. The Founder is an old-fashioned bomb in the forest, waiting to drop. The Founder is easily digestible yet contains enough nutrients to feed the 500 wives of Sodom and Gomorrah. Lot's wife, lots of wives, pillar of salt in the community, a total saline solution. The Founder is a 1975 Oldsmobile Cutlass Classic Supreme. The Founder is outrageously priced at whatever the market will bear.

  5. Nice try but bullshit man. There is no such car as a 1975 Oldsmobile Cutlass Classic Supreme, it wasn't called Classic until late 80s, before then it was just Cutlass Supreme. And by the way that's just one error I could point to. If y'all wanna get this cult off the ground you gotta do better than that.

  6. I think maybe that was the point: even though such a car was never produced, everybody remembers their uncle driving them around in one. The Founder is a car that does not exist, but still you long for the days it represents, to sit in the back drinking cheap beer and not caring where your uncle's taking you, it barely matters. You have to let go of your false dreams and give up all sense of purpose in order to discover who it is that you are or what it all amounts to, what is at the end of the finish line that you will have crossed when you reach what you are trying to have become. If you can achieve this, you will have achieved nothing. But it may give the rest of us a chuckle.


Please leave your "comment" in the box so it's easy for us to clean up after. Your call will be answered in the order it is received.