22 December 2009

Whither The Europe?

The European experiment in pan-European Europificationism would appear to be over. After voters in The France and the The Netherlands voted against that new recent version of the treaty, "The Europe Union" one or whatever it was called, the dream of a united Europe, its many little nation-states Europeanly uniting to form a single United Countries of Europe, or just a little more simply, The Europe, stands in wrecked tatters.

The statue of Colonel Escobar, who officially unified The Europe under his iron heel at the Battle of the Treaty of Maastricht in 1989, overgrown by the tall weeds overrunning The Europe's the European headquarters in The Europe Towers in downtown The Europe (on the surface of The Earth).

Whither Noweth The Europe?
Where does the The Europe project go from here? It starts with some simple landscaping, to be sure. And a little unity too, the desire to unify, or some pan-unificationism, a little of that wouldn't hurt, by George - but then what? Where is this The Europe project leading us? Speculation is rife, and frankly, of little value. More will be reported on this matter as future developments warrant.

12 December 2009

Half of Earth's Population Wiped Out in Bananarama Mishap

'Why Me? Why Not Anybody Else, Say, My Uncle Tobias?' Cry Grief-Stricken Survivors

Pancakes to Still Exist

A crowd of billions from across the globe went up in flames yesterday as stunned onlookers expressed feelings of terror, disbelief, bewilderment, loss of appetite, excitement tinged with schadenfreude, and just having everything taken away from them, like losing it all man.

Authorities were quick to blame Bananarama for what started as a peaceful gathering protesting the Seventh Annual Exxon Cowboy Sweepstakes Cheese Prize Massacre Award Memorial Anniversary Giveaway Tragedy. The group's publicist refused comment, sort of. What could he say, he pleaded. The whole thing sounded too fantastic to be true. How could Bananarama have wrought such havoc? I mean, they haven't even been popular in several years. That's like an exact quote from the dude.

Plenty of pancakes were not completely incinerated and were still available for order as of press time. Meanwhile Government has promised to ramp up production and would have you believe that because supplies of the necessary ingredients remain cheap and plentiful and many citizens have experience in their assembly, therefore, come what may, there will never, ever, ever be a shortage of pancakes. As Independent Experts could not be consulted before they were rounded up and sent into exile (or worse), Average Citizen is advised to believe Government and hope for the best, while preparing for the worst.

Among those surviving the cataclysmic carnage were Sting, Bono and two members of Sister Sledge. Among the dead: everybody else. Well if you're reading this, count yourself among the survivors, look around you and seek out the other ones that's movin', and just like thank heaven (man).

This is Alice Rondo, at the White House.

10 December 2009

Now or Never on Global Warming

It is clear that this new proposal to cut down all the trees and dump them in the ocean, with each tied to a rock so that it sinks to the bottom, thus sequestering the carbon forever, would work, and is exactly the kind of thinking we need to act on immediately without questioning, before it is too late. Unfortunately it is, at best, no more than a short-term solution.

While we support the proposal, which has recently passed the legislature with bipartisan support and is headed for the president's desk, it does have some obvious flaws. For example, once the ocean fills up with trees, how will the oil tankers get around the world to deliver the precious fuel that is the lifeblood of our economy? Where, pray, will we build our great underwater cities, with their fabulous rotundas and world-famous shrimp bars, with all those logs down there mucking everything up?

It may also be objected that the trees will just grow back, as if this were an argument against rather than for the plan. In any event, these are the sort of specifics that should be worked out during the implementation phase. The priority now is to stop asking questions and immediately start felling trees and getting them aboard a steamer, each firmly tethered to a stone of sufficient size to sink it to the seabed. Ladies and Gentlemen, stop telling us why you can't, or feel you shouldn't - the time for such questioning is past. Now is the time for doing.

The Times always exercises extreme caution so as not to over-inflame public sentiment - and yet it does not seem too much to say that if we do not act now, before it is too late, we are headed for certain doom.

05 December 2009

Opening Statement from The Founder

As Founder I am all things to all people.
When a tree falls, in the woods, with no one there to hear it – I am that Nobody.
When you hear the sound of one hand clapping – mine is the other hand, thumbing its nose to the beat.

I am the cream of the crop in your coffee.
I'm the salt of the earth in your wounds.
I am a white wine spritzer ($12.95).
I am available for weddings, bar mitzvahs, and dirty dancing.
I'm open an extra half-hour on Mondays now.
I am neither here nor there.

I am the voice of the big macular degeneration.
I come in six exciting colors™, including four shades of brown.
I am in all of us.
We ain’t what I used to be.

I'll come off a high screen and nail that 18-footer, or I'll absolutely destroy you down on the low box.
On that last play, I had clearly established position here (with both feet outside the restricted area, thus) way before he took off from way over there ... but if you insist on whistling me for the block, I suppose I'll just have to accept it and try to move on.

I am the cart before the horse, the proverbial horse’s ass, leaving huge piles in my wake and dreaming not of their disposal.
Like a pig, on the loose: pork free.
I'm bashful, dopey, lazy, sneezy, jaded, vicious, and pissed off.

I am the wind beneath your wings; but I’m so gusty and unpredictable that I’m completely making you not want to fly any more.
In my house, we didn't even have bootstraps to pull ourselves up by.

The fig leaf in the garden of eden;
The distance between two slices of pie;
The straws that stir your strawberry sodas;
The underfroth, churning and surging beneath the foam …
These too am I.

All those times in life you've been close, but no cigar - I was the cigar.
All the bacon you've ever brought home, the bacon too was I.
When the shoe is on the other foot, I'm the other shoe, on the first foot … waiting to drop.
Like Mr. Belvedere with turnips askance, raging [and so on and so forth.]

Want more? Had enough? “Never hesitate to say so. I can turn off the tap at will.”

So sayeth The Founder, in the Opening Statement.